I'm a little behind on blogging, so in the meantime, here's a tune for ya.
I've had this in my head ever since we sang it in Celebrate Recovery on Friday. Love this.

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Mommy's Little Booger

My Cat is Freakin' Awesome Because:

-She uses 2 litter boxes. One is for pee, one is for...the other thing. It would figure that I have an OCD cat.
-She watches TV and has an affinity for Animal Planet.
-She will only sleep on my side of the bed.
-She shares string cheese with me.
-She showed up on my doorstep as a kitten and obviously has impeccable taste.
-She always smells good. Somehow. I don't know how she does it.
-We have conversations and I understand what she's saying...and it's not because I'm bipolar, either.
-She's afraid of children. It's hilarious.
-She eats houseflies.

I'm pretty sure I love this cat more than I should.
-Help.
-Me.

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Yes, Please!

Found this website on Pinterest today. My shirt is soaked with drool!

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All Over Again

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm 33 today. I don't really feel any different, but then again I never do. Turning 30 sort of felt like a milestone, but it didn't bother me. In my heart of hearts I'm at least 10 years younger than I really am.

Yesterday marked the 20th anniversary of my salvation. OK, that sentence looks weird. Rephrase: I've been a Christian for 20 years. I remember everything about the day I asked Jesus into my heart. Twenty years of faith is a far bigger milestone than turning 30, if you ask me. I'm pretty psyched about it, but you know what? I miss my cousin, Jay. That's what I kept thinking yesterday. For those of you that don't know the back story, Jay and his wife were very instrumental in leading me to Christ. Jay also suffered from bipolar disorder. In September 2009, he died of ALS, or Lou Gehrig's Disease, after a 5-year battle. I miss him every day, but I especially missed him yesterday. I wish we could still email back and forth and talk live, faith, and BPD. 

A few weeks ago, someone very close to me told me that the older she gets, the more afraid she becomes, and that someday I would understand her fear. I told myself no way - my faith will always keep me from being crippled with fear the way that she is. Last night in Celebrate Recovery we talked about God's plan and how it's always a good plan, and yet... we don't really know what it is. We don't know if the way we die will be just as impacting as the way we lived, or even more so. While we're making plans for next year, God might know something we don't - that maybe our lives will end 30 seconds from now.

I remember being sort of haunted by that while Jay was sick and for a long time after he died. I could not, would not surrender my life to God because I didn't trust Him with the outcome. I didn't want to give Him something fragile, something He could drop, something that could break...

But while I was figuring out all that crap, Jay was already letting go. So eventually, I decided, if he could do it, I had to give it a shot.

Guys, I give it a new shot every day. Forgive the politically incorrect phrase, but I'm such an Indian giver. I offer myself up, take myself back, and offer myself up again. I'm getting closer and closer to that once-and-for-all. Inches away from believing that in the hands of God, the only breakable thing about me are the walls I build around myself.

Your 20th birthday is as good a time as any to give it up all over again, right?

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In This Together

I like being able to stand next to someone who has bipolar disorder and say "I understand." I hate the disease and I hate that other people have it, but I like that I can empathize. Especially when that someone is another follower of Jesus Christ. Christians don't always know how to relate to someone with a mental illness. If they did, I wouldn't be blogging right now.

It means a lot to me when I find a fellow believer who understands the need for sleep and how hard it can be to fall asleep. It means a lot when they understand that a bad mood isn't personal. It means a lot when they pray for me and with me, instead of telling me my problem isn't real and I just need a spiritual kick in the pants. God bless the Christian who understands that the brain is an organ, and sometimes organs get sick. Those are the people I try to surround myself with.

I was really glad I got to spend part of my day hearing someone else out.

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I love this. Spot on. :-)
Sorry, wouldn't let me imbed.

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I can never tell when I'm manic or depressed until I'm REALLY manic or depressed. Rarely do I know which one I am. At some point, it just occurs to me: I've been isolating myself, I'm angry, I'm paranoid, and people are tip-toeing around me. It's like walking face-first into a plate glass window. I don't know what has happened until I'm bloody.

You know, if you have a baby, or have surgery, or have a disease, you can count on people to check in on you. Church shows up with a meal. It doesn't work that way with a mental illness. People scatter like ants.

What really bothers me about being bipolar is how obvious it seems to be to other people, but not to me. I've had lots of people say they can tell I'm getting sick by reading my Facebook statuses. Today I thought about disabling my Facebook account until I got to feeling better, but decided it was too much of a hassle.

When I 'crash' it feels like I've done something wrong. It's like after 7 months of not smoking, I went out and bought a carton and chain-smoked them all. Or I looked at porn all day, or got drunk, or did drugs. It feels like a total FAILURE. You stand up in front of people and give your testimony about how God has changed your life, and then you find yourself just struggling to be normal and few people understand... and you feel like such a hypocrite.

You wonder if you're really sick or if you're just not as spiritually mature as you thought. I'd rather be sick than a spiritual lightweight.

I want everyone I know to understand that bipolar disorder is not who I am, it's something I have. I'm a child of God, healed of many things. I am totally changed from the inside out. Brain chemicals can't change what the Lord has done in my heart.

The truth is what keeps people like me from being swallowed by sadness, but it's still there. Christians are sad sometimes. Well, we FEEL sad sometimes. I guess there is a big difference.

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