A good friend of mine - an author and speaker - was in town this past weekend to do a marriage event at a local church. I had been excited about her visit for weeks, since I rarely get to see her. I was excited about spending time with her, and also about helping out with the book table. By the time Friday evening rolled around, I thought I might explode.
This person has mentored me for the past eight years and I couldn't wait to see her, knowing that my bipolar disorder was under control and I was a stable person. There is not enough time or space on this blog to document all the painful things my friend has seen me through over the years. I felt like I was unveiling a "new me" for her. And, oh man, if you struggle with a mental illness, you know how cool it is when people start noticing how well you're doing.
So I was disappointed and humiliated when, on Saturday night, I ended up having a panic attack. I was standing at the book table and my job was to answer questions and basically mingle. It was a big crowd, certainly more than I am used to. The crowd, combined with a lot of emotions stirring around in my head, just sunk me. I was able to hold out until the end, but at that point I fell apart and my sweet friend ended up having to abandon signing books to come talk to me.
I used to get panicky a lot, but I felt like I'd dealt with my anxiety by working in a grocery store and working retail for a short time. I got used to a lot of people, or so I thought. I am also a greeter at church, so I'm used to shaking hands and making nice. No problems. So, I blame it on my emotions and not really knowing how to handle them. I spent a big chunk of my life trying not to feel anything; I consider this a case of sensory overload.
Truth be told, from the moment my friend arrived, I was already dreading her exit. I suppose it's normal to cry when someone you love has to leave, but I had to struggle to enjoy the time I did have, because I know the sad moment was coming. I don't want to live like that. I have to learn how to live in the moment.
It was a long and tearful drive home on Saturday night. I thought about a lot of things - I thought a lot about going back to some of my old ways that helped me not to feel. I considered really unhealthy stuff that I hadn't thought about in ages, and it scared me. It scared me, disappointed me, and embarrassed me. The person I was in the car that night is not the person God has changed me into. Those moments of doubt, of wanting to shut out everything I was feeling... it was another reminder that the enemy wants to steal, kill, and destroy all of the beauty that God has made. I guess you could say I was angry that I had a tender heart.
The irony of that is, the people I am closest to have tender hearts, and that's why I love them. That includes the friend I saw this past weekend, who has openly cried over my failures, as well as my victories. That's part of why I love and admire her so much - her heart is open, and it's OK for people to see it.
So I have to stop kicking myself for being emotional, but I have to learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy way. Some of it is just chemistry - anxiety is part of my brain makeup, even though I earnestly pray for a complete healing of it. But I think the handling of emotions, and learning to live in the moment, is something we have to learn. The more you practice it, the easier it gets. It's a skill, like anything else in life. Maybe getting control of those things will stave off the panic and depression.
The good thing about having an amazing Savior and great friends in your life is that they make you want to be a better person. So going backwards can't be a consideration for me. It has to be forward, all the way. I want to make my friends proud, and walk in the light of who I really am in Jesus Christ. There can be no going back.
Now if I could just crawl out from under this table I've been hiding under since Saturday... Pin It
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