Wide Awake but not Bushy-Tailed

Good morning, y'all. It's 1 a.m. Some of you are partying right now. Boring people like me are usually asleep by this time on a Friday night...or Saturday morning, however you prefer to look at it. I've got Seroquel and Ambien in me and I'm awake. Somebody suggested I try melatonin but that would be like giving someone a baby Aspirin for open heart surgery pain. My brain never shuts off on its own, or I wouldn't be taking Ambien. Sometimes it doesn't shut off at all, period. Welcome to the wonderful world of mania. What do you need done? I could probably paint your whole house right now, inside and outside. Give me a call, I'll come over. I've been known to rearrange spice cupboards at 4 in the morning, so that's another option.

It used to be normal for me to be up and at 'em in the wee morning hours before the sun even woke up, but these days I try to keep a normal sleep schedule both because I have to earn a living during waking hours, and also so I don't become "more bipolar." So this is weird to me. Lights out is at 11.

I will pay for this in a few days, that's the only bummer. I need to go do something boring...like playing Uno on Facebook or something. Something to throw the emergency brake on my brain. Sleep tight, everybody. Hopefully I won't need to be physically propped up tomorrow morning. Pin It

The Build-Up and the Crash

This is the story of my life: I am energized by having a lot of work to do and a lot of projects on hand. Exciting possibilities keep me lit like a firecracker. When things slow down, I find myself face-down at the bottom of the trash heap. I get up, dust myself off, look back and realize... oh snap, I think I was a little manic there.

Some people jump out of airplanes (seriously, I have a few friends who literally do this), some people do drugs, some people go on spending sprees, all in an effort to stay "charged up" and alive. I don't do any of that - though I did actually go shopping for clothes and shoes last night, but mostly out of necessity - but I still consider myself an adrenaline junkie. I'm always looking to stay high. For me, work does it. Trying to start a business, trying to get a new book published, and looking for fresh writing gigs all make me feel like I'm on top. Whether or not they pan out is another issue. The pursuit keeps me hopping.

I had a very difficult writing assignment - one that I thought should have been fairly simple, but turned out to be a nightmare. I had my abilities questioned and insulted in a very passive-aggressive manner. I also got sidelined by a stomach bug for a few days - the kind where you writhe in bed hoping for death. All of it turned into one big crash. I'm now in the process of trying to build that energy up again. This is why people with BP don't like taking medication - because the highs are so much more fun and productive. (At LEAST more productive.) It just always amazes me how little it takes to knock me over and make me feel like I have to rebuild from scratch again. That isn't very realistic - I DON'T have to rebuild from scratch, but when I'm depressed that's how it feels. It's like running a sprint race. You start out full speed ahead, charging like a bull, but you become tired and slow down, and some of us just sit down on the grass for a while to catch our breath.

I'm still not totally over the stomach thing, either. I am not sick to my stomach anymore, but I still feel weak and sorta lightheaded. I just want to get over it so I can get back to the gym. A stomach bug may be a great way to lose weight fast, but I think I'd much rather stick to the treadmill. Pin It