Check Before You Fawn

Bobby Ross over at GetReligion has some interesting comments on this story about one of my favorite subjects - Christians trying to find their designated 'spot' among their fellow churchgoers.

As a married-but-childless woman in her 30's, I tend to gravitate towards the older crowd and single people. The reasons, I think, are obvious - they don't have to find a babysitter in order to make plans, and I don't have to listen to pregnancy/childbirth/parenting stories that I'm not only unable to relate to, but remind me time and time again that my dream of motherhood has not come to pass.

The Rev. Kevin Cosby, pastor of St. Stephen Church, said his congregation is trying to create a culture in which “you’re not abnormal if you’re single.”

“One is a whole number,” he said. “You’re not a fraction.”

Hopefully Rev. Cosby is also working on normalizing childlessness in the church because infertiles like myself are awfully tired of being told to work in the nursery. We appreciate sympathy, but get annoyed when moms assume we have all the free time in the world to play with. In fact, all pastors everywhere should preach a sermon aimed at teaching their congregations that:

-Not all childless women are childless on purpose.

-Some women don't want kids at all - and you can feel however you want about that and back it up with Scripture, but the point is, you should never assume anything.

-When a woman says she can't have children, sympathy is great. Immediately acting like the world has ended isn't a good approach. You mean well, but you might be grinding salt into an open wound.

-Don't suggest to an infertile woman that she should volunteer in the nursery. See above.

-Childless women don't have all the spare time in the world. Well, maybe some. But most of us have learned to fill in the time.

-Many infertile women have accepted that it is God's will for their lives and are OK WITH IT. Check before you fawn.

-Hey, since churches have singles groups, why not have a group for people without kids? Just a group - not a SUPPORT group, or a SYMPATHY group, or a GRIEF group... just a regular group.

Next up... how about we make people with mental illness feel like a part of the church body while we're at it? Stay tuned.

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What NOT to Say to Childless Women

How do I say this nicely? Lord, you know it's not going to be an easy blog post when I have to start it like that. It's really late and I have major plans for tomorrow (cleaning) so I can't go into this in too much detail, but my head will explode if I don't at least say something.

Church moms, you mean well, you really do. You want to be helpful. You want to be comforting. But sometimes you don't get it.

First, you make the mistake of assuming that infertile women are despondent over it, even though some of us have accepted our fate and are completely at peace with the fact that we will never swell up like a balloon or scream our way through childbirth. It's cool. We're good. God has other plans for us. We're super glad you were able to reproduce 7 times, but it's not going to happen for us.

Your bigger mistake, though, is assuming that childless women would LOVE to watch yours, or spend their spare time helping out with the children's ministry at church. Some of us only like kids that are biologically related to us. For example, I adore my nieces and nephews. I'm not in love with everyone else's. I don't DISLIKE kids, but I don't want to spend a lot of time with the ones that aren't related to me. Other women really ARE sad about not having kids, so what makes you think they'd like to have their sad reality shoved in their faces over and over again?

Really, women. You mean well. But you don't get it.

It's also a bad idea to imply that a childless woman has no responsibilities and all the time in the world to do grunt work that you personally don't have the time to do. Some of us work a lot. Some of us have lives. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but I tell you the truth. We're proud of you for homeschooling. We're sorry each of your 5 kids has a sporting event on the same night. But please remember, we're not forcing you to lead the life you're leading, nor did we ask to be infertile. The idea of a nursery full of children can be absolutely heartbreaking to an infertile woman!

This is all stuff I don't think about very much until someone says the wrong thing, and it's almost always because people just don't understand. They are in a completely different phase of life where everything is about school projects, carpools, and teaching Sunday school. I can't imagine the amount of time, patience, and sleep deprivation that is required to raise a family of any size. Moms, you have my respect. I was like you once - I grew up diapering Cabbage Patch Kids, and dreaming of what I'd name my kids someday. I really wanted the hectic family lifestyle that you have.

But all I have...is a cat. A cat, and ministry, and my writing, and helping my elderly parents, and... well, trust me. I have a life. It's not what I planned, but it's what GOD gave me, and I have plenty of love in my life, believe me.

I don't want to fill in my "spare" time with other people's little children, nor do I just watch TV all day and have no responsibilities.

Let me put it this way - I totally want to help you. We're sisters in Christ. We're meant to help each other. But ya'll had to get schooled on what being a childless woman is all about. Don't assume stuff. So far, everything others have assumed about my life has been so insanely OFF. (The whole reason I'm writing this is because of someone saying something totally weird to me over the weekend.) Think, gals. Then, when you're done with that, speak. Better yet, PRAY first. A woman who can't have a child probably doesn't want to work in a room full of infants. And when you don't have kids, you find ways to spend your time. Believe it or not, there IS life outside of child-rearing.

Prayer and common sense. Prayer and common sense. C'mon, guys! We can do it! Make me proud! Stop saying dumb stuff to me, ok?

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Childless Christian Women - Square Pegs in a Round World

I just can't get the baby thing off my mind. This is driving me a little bit bonkers. Where do childless women fit into the church? Why do I feel like an alien?

I got a call from a woman I've never met from my church. Somebody told her I was childless and needed to be mentored because I was so lost because of it. It was well-meaning. I ended up making a new friend, but it definitely didn't play out the way the other church ladies intended. My new friend didn't have children by choice. I don't have kids...well, not by choice. BUT I'm OK with it. I'm at peace with it. We ended up laughing over how judgmental people can be - assuming, of course, that if you don't have kids, you must be terribly selfish and have nothing but spare time in which to do completely unimportant things. We agreed that women's ministries, in general, do cater to moms and don't really know what to do with people like me.

We both wondered aloud if some homeschooling moms don't feel a little bit spiritually superior to those who send their kids to school. Now don't misread me - I'm not saying all homeschool moms have a superiority complex. Just saying... some seem to act like we should pity how busy they are when, in all actuality, this is a choice they made. There is no biblical mandate to homeschool your children.Go ahead, homeschool. Most homeschooled kids are geniuses. But don't play it up like somehow you are a notch above moms who, for example, can't afford not to work and HAVE to send their kids to school.

My point is... I just want to be a godly woman, but lately I've really been feeling like so much of a woman's spirituality is viewed through whether or not they have kids. Hey, listen, I wanted to be fruitful and multiply. God didn't have the same plan in mind, at least not yet. And I'm comfortable with my life. Is this actually being held against me, or do I just have my own inferiority  complex. Look at the internet. You can find lots of websites devoted to Christian moms. Not many for childless Christian women.

I know my value to God does not change, but what about within the Church?

Is anyone taking me seriously? Pin It