Mornings: What Are They Good For?

I got up this morning around 7 to make my husband breakfast and pack him a lunch. I'm nice like that. I woke up in pain, as usual. My arms, legs, and neck ache constantly. It has become a normal thing. You just want to spend the day on the couch when you feel like crap, but I forced myself to get up and go to the rec center. I had a good swim, though it was somewhat leisurely. It helped the pain quite a bit, I'm happy to say.

Getting there was a challenge.
The neighbor's Golden Retriever - the one that never shuts up - got loose and I saw him run across the street in my rear view mirror as I was making a right-hand turn. I love animals, especially when they are not splattered across the side of the road, so I parked my car at the post office and got out. He was on another neighbor's porch so I called to him and he ran over to me. He's a friendly little guy... typically. Not so much, though, when you have him by the collar and are trying to lead him home. For about 5 minutes, this is how it went: I would grab his collar, he would snarl and snap and try to jump at me. Then, I'd let go and pet him and talk sweetly to him and he'd be friendly again. Then I'd grab his collar and he'd try to rip my throat out again. The little kids who live with the dog were standing in the driveway watching all of this happen. At no point did the munchkins go and get mommy.

So I gave up. I love dogs, but I have no desire to be mauled by one. Fortunately, another neighbor came out - a much bigger, stronger male - and he dragged Pup back to his home, snarling all the way. When I got in the car, I realized my shirt was covered in mud from the dog jumping at me. Rather than go home and risk sudden laziness, I decided to go to the gym looking like I had been dragged around a construction site by a dump truck.

When I got to the gym, none of the treadmills with built-in TVs were available. I didn't want to watch one of the universal TVs mounted to the wall because my choices were limited to ESPN, some financial channel, and cartoons. If I'm going to sweat it out on the treadmill, I'm gonna do it watching a sitcom or, at the very least, "Intervention." I gave up and went to the pool.

The pool was infiltrated by every elderly person in Central Pennsylvania. That's cool - it's refreshing to see old people taking good care of themselves, but I had to sit in the stands and wait for a lane to open up. Finally one did, and I had a nice, relaxing swim as Josh Groban crooned from the pool speakers.

I have gotten used to locker room nakedness. I used to be incredibly shy, but now I don't care. I've seen a little bit of everything in that locker room and it made me realize I have nothing to be ashamed of. It is still very disconcerting to see women in their late 50's or early 60's who have better bodies than I do, but I'm getting over it. I think my new boobs help sweeten the pot for me. Now I'm just an overweight person trying to lose weight - I'm no longer the really tall lady with the frightening/appalling breasts that scare little children.

Once I reached the locker room, the music selection changed. First, it was Eminem. Then, it was "I Wanna Sex You Up." I don't personally care, but I'm wondering how a family-friendly rec center could get away with playing sex music. There was a little girl and her mother in there changing. I think moms just want to take their kids to the pool to keep them entertained and to drain some of their excess energy. I doubt they want to have to answer awkward questions and explain the facts of life.

CHILD: "Mommy, what does 'sex you up' mean?"
MOTHER: "Oh, Suzy. That just means they want to borrow your kick board."

So now I am home and the runaway dog is barking his head off, and the neighbor baby is screaming. She screams about as much as the dog barks.

I did a lot this morning, and I'm happy about that. It makes me feel productive.
But it blows my mind just how many weird things can happen to you in a few short hours. Pin It

Ready For Healthy?

My house is stocked with healthy food. The patch goes on tomorrow. I rejoined the rec center. I am ready to exercise. All I need now is a sports bra that fits and a pair of shorts that don't ride up. Adamame beans and running, here I come.

The discount grocery store we frequent is a great place to get fat. If you want candy, cookies, chips, and Doritos, that's the place to go. Today I went to pick up shampoo and body wash and apparently God (or maybe Richard Simmons) was smiling upon my shopping list. Frozen broccoli (and not just the nasty stems), the aforementioned adamame beans, frozen strawberries and blueberries, all $.99 each. I loaded up. Granola to go with yogurt and fresh peaches also found its way into my cart, not to mention super ripe, super yummy-looking tomatoes.

I also learned from my sister-in-law - whose children are incredibly picky eaters - and my friend Rachael how to fool yourself into eating healthy stuff. Husband doesn't notice the flax seed meal I put in the spaghetti sauce and chances are he won't notice the carrots when I pulverize them and add them, too. I can also grind broccoli to a pulp.

I lost 40 pounds doing the same thing in 2003. I was swimming daily, too. That's my plan for going back to the rec center. Swimming is easy on your joints, and no one can see your fat butt underwater unless they're really looking, and that would mean swimming head-first into the wall.

The battle will be kicking the cigarettes once and for all. I was in bed last night coughing, trying to figure out what on earth motivates me to light up anymore. Force of habit, or that's what I came up with. I don't like how they taste, smell, or make me cough. When I think of replacing my morning cigarette and coffee with a jog on the treadmill, I cringe, but I know something will have to replace my normal routine.

So I'm sitting here drinking lemon water and, yes, I am smoking. I'm almost done with this pack and then the patch goes on. I'm not sure how that works with swimming. It might not last a full 24 hours on my body. This is going to require determination.

There is a spider on my deck whom I've named Charlotte. I don't like spiders but I'm not afraid of them, either. As long as something can't fly, I don't worry about it too much. Charlotte is small, not hairy, and has interesting markings on her legs. She's a very determined little spider and I guess that's why I don't have the heart to squish her. I play a cruel game with her. Every day I come out on my deck and see that she has spun a brand new, triangular web in the corner where the fence and the wall meets. Every evening, I burn it down. I don't just do it to be mean. The corner of my deck looks like the Auschwitz of the insect world. It's disgusting. I take my lighter and burn it down, but every night she comes out and does it again. On rare occasions, I spot her peeking out from the corner. She looks up at me, jumps about five feet in the air, and disappears into her little hole. She entertains me.

It's really sort of an epic battle for both of us. She feels compelled to spin her web, capture, and kill, but there is a giant human with a Bic lighter who has other ideas. I get it. I eat healthy, I start exercising, I disguise who I really am with foundation and eyeliner, but there's a giant cream-filled donut waiting to burn me.

In a weird sort of way, I'm pulling for Charlotte. Pin It