Church life got you down, huh? Tired of music that reminds you of somber Civil War encampments? Sick of trying to keep your kids quiet during a rousing off-key rendition of "How Great Thou Art"? Maybe you've decided to become Pentecostal... or you're thinking about it. I say good for you! I became one myself about 3 years ago and I haven't looked back since. I feel it would be irresponsible of me not to give you a taste of what you are in for, since Pentecostals are very different from Lutherans, Presbyterians, Baptists... and pretty much everyone else you can think of. We all share a love for God, and that's what really counts, but I think any denomination deserves at least a brief orientation. Here is Julie Anne Fidler's guide to all things Pentecostal. May it serve you well.
#1.Appropriate Pentecostal Attire
Most Pentecostals will tell you that it doesn't matter what you wear because Jesus isn't interested in outer beauty. This is in stark contrast to many other churches, who teach you that you have to dress up, though they don't really tell you why. Maybe your parents, like my own, told you that it's "just the right thing to do." Well, most Pentecostals I know find a nice middle ground. This isn't Yoga class (remember: Yoga is evil!), so it's probably not a good idea to come dressed like you're ready to hit the treadmill. On the other hand, God was nice enough to create a pretty earth for all of us, so the least we can do is show up for God in something business-casual. Keep in mind, ladies, that short skirts run the risk of making men lust after you even as they hold their cup of Welch's communion grape juice, plus you're going to need plenty of room to dance, flop down on the carpet, and kneel.
#2.Raising Your Hands Makes Your Praise Reach Jesus Faster
You have probably already noted that Pentecostals sing with their hands raised in the air. This is because Heaven is really high up in the sky (some say it's even beyond our solar system), therefore reaching up towards the ceiling will make whatever song you are singing shoot up through your fingertips and reach Jesus faster. Not EVERYONE does this, and that's OK. It just means they're lazy and they don't really care, and since God gives us all free will, this should be accepted. They'll grow up someday.
There are various levels of raising your hands, and these mean different things. Raising your hands as far as they can go means you REALLY love Jesus and you want your praise to get there faster than anybody else's. Some people raise their hands only part-way, and this is called the Half-Staff Method. It means, "I love Jesus, but I haven't quite accepted that HE loves ME. I'm kind of scared He'll throw it back." Some people merely open their hands in front of them, palms showing. This is sort of like when people hold aluminum foil under their chin when they are sunbathing. It's more about catching the rays than sharing it.
It should also be noted that there is not ALWAYS a spiritual element to people who sun-bathe worship, keep their arms at their sides, or employ the Half-Staff Method. It could simply mean they sweat excessively and/or forgot to shave their arm pits that day.
#3.Crying Shows You "Really Mean It"
I like people who cry in church. I do it myself sometimes. It can mean any number of things, mostly obviously that you love God so much that you're willing to walk out the door looking like Joan Rivers after she has taken the bandages off from another face lift. Women, use caution: never wear mascara to a Pentecostal church. Don't waste your money. It will only disintegrate and drip off your face. Save it for less emotional affairs, like funerals and weddings.
Some people cry because they have been hit with the reality that they really are scum in need of a perfect Savior. Some people cry because Jesus saved them from a crack addiction, alcoholism, depression, or an evil mother-in-law. Sometimes the music is very emotional and that alone makes you weep. You can expect to cry during acoustic sets, congregational a capella singing, and heavy drum solos. A few people cry because they think they should, plain and simple. Why you do it is up to you, but don't think you can escape it. A true Pentecostal knows when let loose like Lindsay Lohan being sentenced for another DUI.
#4.Pentecostals Like to Sing the Same Verse Repeatedly for at Least 20 Minutes
Forget fast-moving songs that jump from one emotion to another. Pentecostals must be willing to delve into worship for the LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG haul. If the congregation seems bored/disinterested, oftentimes the worship leader will pick a particularly meaningful song verse and sing it until everyone catches on and realizes: If we don't get up and act interested, this song is going to go on forever. Sometimes this means changing the tempo of the song, or adding an electric guitar. If the worship leader starts jumping up and down and commanding everyone to clap/sing/jump/cry/fall on their faces, you know you are being too subdued. Other times, if the Holy Spirit seems to be working and people are really "into it" the worship leader will thereby assume that the chorus must be repeated until the kids in the toddler room have grown up and moved into junior high youth group. It is not appropriate to take a nap or chat with your friends during this time... but I do it anyway. Sometimes you can only say "Jesus" so many times before you start counting the dots on the ceiling. Do your thing for God... and then feel free to take a bathroom break.
#5.Pentecostals Don't Know Many Hymns
My friend, Gary Chapman is a legendary Christian music artist and songwriter. He has a website called A Hymn A Week and it's dedicated to reviving the hymns of yesteryear. Many young people don't know a thing about hymns. Neither do many Pentecostals, myself included. Hymns have stood the test of time and often say things about God that simple, quick, modern praise music can't. My theory is that Pentecostalism is so bent on being emotional and "feeling" the Spirit, they need new, simple, basic worship songs on a weekly basis. Often, worship leaders will throw an electric guitar and a drum solo into an old hymn and we'll all be fooled into thinking it's the Newsboys' latest hit.
#6.Pentecostals Love Caffeine
I've found that just about every denomination has their own views on alcohol. Some say it's wrong just because it has the potential to be addictive (growing up in a Mormon family, I heard about this often... even though everyone in my family drank.) Some say it's OK to drink as long as you don't get drunk. I don't actually know the official Pentecostal stance on alcohol, but from what I've seen and experienced, if you DO drink, you don't tell anyone. And if you SMOKE, Heaven help you, you hide it. I had a friend who used to smoke on her roof out of fear that a a fellow Christian might spot her. All of these things can be considered harmful to your body, which is, of course, the temple of the Holy Spirit.
Caffeine, however, is fine. This is interesting, considering it only takes 250 mg (read: 2-1/2 cups of coffee) for caffeine intoxication to set in. So, let's think this through. My church hands out coffee for a donation, it could be $5 or a piece of gum, just as long as you put something in the little box. In addition, they also sell specialty coffee drinks. Let's say you have a cup of coffee when you first get to church. Then, you have a cup of coffee during the break when all the kids go to childrens church. Then, you order a mocha cappuccino with a shot of espresso when you leave. One must ask themselves... do I feel the Holy Spirit, or is my heart just racing? We are God's people, walking around church stoned off of our rear ends, but it's OK because all the money from the coffee shop goes to feed orphans in Haiti. Drink up!
#7.The Point-And-Hope Method of Bible Reading
It should come as no surprise that a group of Christians who believe that God can zap you right in your pew and make you flop like a fish out of water would also believe that God can and frequently does speak to us simply by picking up a Bible.
Now, for the record, the vast majority of Pentecostals I know study and meditate on the Word fervently and seek to have a rich prayer life; however, Pentecostals are big on warm, fuzzy Jesus feelings, too. Many of us wake up in the morning seeking "a word" from God. (Translation: we want God to talk to us somehow.) So rather than choosing a book, chapter, or topic from the Bible, we have been known to flip it open to a random spot, close our eyes, and point somewhere on the page in the hopes that it will reveal something wonderful about the coming day. Sometimes you land on something wonderful, but sometimes you land on... other stuff. And that other stuff should not be taken entirely seriously when it comes to how you should go about your morning. Blindly picking Bible verses can really backfire on you. Here are a few examples.
Genesis 25:30
He said to Jacob, "Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I'm exhausted."This does not mean you should grab a fork and try that red gelatinous blob that has been in the back of your fridge for 6 months.
Job 19:17
My breath is offensive to my wife; I am loathsome to my own brothers.OK, actually you might want to take this one to heart. Toothpaste is cheap, you know.
Psalm 137:9
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.Don't go there. Just find a babysitter.
Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.Yes, you can still bring your husband to church if he has had a vasectomy.
Ezekiel 23:19-20
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.Whatever you do, don't take this as an invitation to a mid-life crisis.
I hope this guide to Pentecostalism has helped you. There is more that I should probably add, but I think this is enough to get you started on your journey to holiness. Pin It
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