Class vs. Trash: Holiday Music

Christmas music and Christmas decorations have one major theme in common: they can either be really cool, or be really terrible. I always knew this to be true but never fully grasped the concept until the first Christmas my husband and I were married. When I think of Christmases past, I think of carols being sung by choirs, candlelight, and a lit Christmas tree. When my husband thinks of Christmases past, he thinks about working at Record Town and The Wall and all of the awful music they played over their speaker system. He grew to love this music; I try to find a hiding spot for said music every year.

Old Christmas music seems to be the best. When people try to write new classics, they usually either make me laugh or they nauseate me. Let's discuss laughable Christmas music first.

Much to my chagrin, husband is especially fond of the "Very Special Christmas" collections.

Not everything on these albums are crap, but most of it is, including Hootie & the Blowfish's 1997 version of "The Christmas Song" on volume 3. Either it's SUPPOSED to be off-key, or the producer fell asleep at the console while this was being recorded. It serves as a reminder to me that you don't really need tons of talent to get a record deal. You can preview the slaughter here.

It also includes Sheryl Crow singing a terrible version of "Blue Christmas," which is a song I never liked to begin with. This song made me briefly feel ashamed of being a Sheryl Crow fan.

Volume 1 includes the extremely popular Madonna tune "Santa Baby." I can stand the music, but I can't stand Madonna's baby voice, nor do I want the image of Madonna seducing Santa Claus to replace the visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. In defense of Madonna, this song came out in 1987, so she was already in the midst of her I-Want-To-Sleep-With-Everything-That-Moves phase. Hopefully she has matured and would now opt to give Santa cookies and milk instead of her body.

HO HO HO! Literally...

Stevie Nicks croons "Silent Night" on volume 1, as well. I love Stevie Nicks... when it comes to pop/rock music. Christmas music, though? Not so much. Her voice reminds me of a drunken wino singing flat Christmas carols through the alleys of the Bronx.

Volume 5's insult to Christmas is Tom Petty singing "Little Red Rooster." Apparently, dude has a little red rooster that wakes him up every Christmas morning. C'mon, that's not very realistic. Like the rooster knows when it's Christmas? That's ridiculous. We can sing about a fat guy in a red suit traveling by airborne sleigh who stuffs his great big butt down our chimneys and leaves us presents under our Christmas trees, but a red rooster that knows when it's Christmas? That's just baloney.

On volume 7 (released in '09), Miley Cyrus stops by to sing an extremely bubble-gum version of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" that is sure to please anyone who is under the age of 12, or deaf.  Sean Kingston sings "Little Drummer Boy" in a fashion that probably not only annoys me, but annoys the baby Jesus. If the Little Drummer Boy had ever tried to sing this to our Lord and Savior, I'm pretty sure He would have learned to walk then and there and would have booked it out of Bethlehem. Lastly, Carrie Underwood sings "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" on this album, and while I LOVE Carrie Underwood's voice, I have major issues with country Christmas music. (Read: I hate country Christmas music!)

Here are a few of my other least favorites:

Paul McCartney - "Wonderful Christmastime" MAN I can't stand this song! I know it's a classic that is literally as old as I am, but I still hate it. The synthesizers, the weirdness... It's too trippy. It's like listening to Pink Floyd, in a way. If you're sober it's just nonsense, but I'll bet if you listen to it while you're on drugs, it's really DEEP, man.

George Michael - "Last Christmas" Anything by George Michael should be considered an abomination to mankind. This year, to save him from tears, he'll give his love to someone special? Really? And by "special" does he mean some random dude in a public bathroom stall? 

Amy Grant - "Mister Santa" I'm sorry, Amy. You know I love you, girl, but it had to be done. If you look up "cheese" in the dictionary, you will see the name of this song right next to it. Amy set the Christmas bar pretty high with her 1992 release, "Home For Christmas." It was the ultimate in class and all others fall short. Unfortunately, that includes this album. But you're still my favorite, AG.

The holiday season without Amy Grant is like Christmas morning without a little, red, mind-reading rooster.

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