I can never tell when I'm manic or depressed until I'm REALLY manic or depressed. Rarely do I know which one I am. At some point, it just occurs to me: I've been isolating myself, I'm angry, I'm paranoid, and people are tip-toeing around me. It's like walking face-first into a plate glass window. I don't know what has happened until I'm bloody.
You know, if you have a baby, or have surgery, or have a disease, you can count on people to check in on you. Church shows up with a meal. It doesn't work that way with a mental illness. People scatter like ants.
What really bothers me about being bipolar is how obvious it seems to be to other people, but not to me. I've had lots of people say they can tell I'm getting sick by reading my Facebook statuses. Today I thought about disabling my Facebook account until I got to feeling better, but decided it was too much of a hassle.
When I 'crash' it feels like I've done something wrong. It's like after 7 months of not smoking, I went out and bought a carton and chain-smoked them all. Or I looked at porn all day, or got drunk, or did drugs. It feels like a total FAILURE. You stand up in front of people and give your testimony about how God has changed your life, and then you find yourself just struggling to be normal and few people understand... and you feel like such a hypocrite.
You wonder if you're really sick or if you're just not as spiritually mature as you thought. I'd rather be sick than a spiritual lightweight.
I want everyone I know to understand that bipolar disorder is not who I am, it's something I have. I'm a child of God, healed of many things. I am totally changed from the inside out. Brain chemicals can't change what the Lord has done in my heart.
The truth is what keeps people like me from being swallowed by sadness, but it's still there. Christians are sad sometimes. Well, we FEEL sad sometimes. I guess there is a big difference.
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You know, if you have a baby, or have surgery, or have a disease, you can count on people to check in on you. Church shows up with a meal. It doesn't work that way with a mental illness. People scatter like ants.
What really bothers me about being bipolar is how obvious it seems to be to other people, but not to me. I've had lots of people say they can tell I'm getting sick by reading my Facebook statuses. Today I thought about disabling my Facebook account until I got to feeling better, but decided it was too much of a hassle.
When I 'crash' it feels like I've done something wrong. It's like after 7 months of not smoking, I went out and bought a carton and chain-smoked them all. Or I looked at porn all day, or got drunk, or did drugs. It feels like a total FAILURE. You stand up in front of people and give your testimony about how God has changed your life, and then you find yourself just struggling to be normal and few people understand... and you feel like such a hypocrite.
You wonder if you're really sick or if you're just not as spiritually mature as you thought. I'd rather be sick than a spiritual lightweight.
I want everyone I know to understand that bipolar disorder is not who I am, it's something I have. I'm a child of God, healed of many things. I am totally changed from the inside out. Brain chemicals can't change what the Lord has done in my heart.
The truth is what keeps people like me from being swallowed by sadness, but it's still there. Christians are sad sometimes. Well, we FEEL sad sometimes. I guess there is a big difference.
4 comments:
Hey I understand fully becase i have been there an i am here for you are a strong woman an i see that evan as it is hard for you to deal with the bipolar i have it too
Hi Julie, I have a husband who is bipolar and although I can't relate on the same level, I understand your struggles as I see it first-hand. I just finished your book Adventures in Holy Matrimony and was very inspired by you & Scott's story and tried to email you at the address listed in the book but it got kicked back, is that still a valid account?
Hey MS,
You can email me at julie dot fidler at gmail dot com. Looking forward to it. :-)
Hi Julie, thanks for your reply, just sent you an email!
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