All Over Again

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I'm 33 today. I don't really feel any different, but then again I never do. Turning 30 sort of felt like a milestone, but it didn't bother me. In my heart of hearts I'm at least 10 years younger than I really am.

Yesterday marked the 20th anniversary of my salvation. OK, that sentence looks weird. Rephrase: I've been a Christian for 20 years. I remember everything about the day I asked Jesus into my heart. Twenty years of faith is a far bigger milestone than turning 30, if you ask me. I'm pretty psyched about it, but you know what? I miss my cousin, Jay. That's what I kept thinking yesterday. For those of you that don't know the back story, Jay and his wife were very instrumental in leading me to Christ. Jay also suffered from bipolar disorder. In September 2009, he died of ALS, or Lou Gehrig's Disease, after a 5-year battle. I miss him every day, but I especially missed him yesterday. I wish we could still email back and forth and talk live, faith, and BPD. 

A few weeks ago, someone very close to me told me that the older she gets, the more afraid she becomes, and that someday I would understand her fear. I told myself no way - my faith will always keep me from being crippled with fear the way that she is. Last night in Celebrate Recovery we talked about God's plan and how it's always a good plan, and yet... we don't really know what it is. We don't know if the way we die will be just as impacting as the way we lived, or even more so. While we're making plans for next year, God might know something we don't - that maybe our lives will end 30 seconds from now.

I remember being sort of haunted by that while Jay was sick and for a long time after he died. I could not, would not surrender my life to God because I didn't trust Him with the outcome. I didn't want to give Him something fragile, something He could drop, something that could break...

But while I was figuring out all that crap, Jay was already letting go. So eventually, I decided, if he could do it, I had to give it a shot.

Guys, I give it a new shot every day. Forgive the politically incorrect phrase, but I'm such an Indian giver. I offer myself up, take myself back, and offer myself up again. I'm getting closer and closer to that once-and-for-all. Inches away from believing that in the hands of God, the only breakable thing about me are the walls I build around myself.

Your 20th birthday is as good a time as any to give it up all over again, right?

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