Christmas is Coming! (Everybody Hide!)

A few years ago, while driving down a major Pennsylvania route, I encountered the Christmas insult to end all Christmas insults. There was a large green house on the corner of one of the intersection - overgrown brush, trees in need of trimming, and paint chipping off every inch of the home. Even more disturbing than the landscape were the 6 inflatable yard decorations nailed into the lawn. Take away the ornaments and you would immediately assume this was a poor family trying to cover up their shack; however, I did a little research online and I found that inflatable yard thingies are actually quite expensive. That was when I knew these people were not poor, they were just lazy.

It's funny how my idea of "lazy" has changed over the years. I used to think people who took a single string of lights and haphazardly threw it on a tree were lazy (eh hem, Dad...) but inflatable yard thingies have taken laziness to a whole new low. Just plug in, inflate, and voila! And if there is a wind storm, it looks like your yard thingy is having an epileptic seizure, so I guess that's kind of cool. But still lazy.

Anyway, getting back to the green house of laziness...
As I sat there in my car, making fun of of the green house of laziness and its occupants, I realized I needed to get out there with my digital camera and start ridiculing people publicly. I never got around to it last year, but this year I'm determined to hide in the shrubs and snap pictures of people inflating Homer Simpson dressed as Santa Claus on their roof. It has to be done. This injustice to all things Christmas must be brought out of the darkness. People who inflate nativity scenes...God help you. I hope God has a sense of humor and a little bit of redneck in Him because I'd hate to hear my Lord ask me on judgment day, "Why did you nail my only Son to your yard and inflate him like a Wal-Mart basketball?" An inflatable nativity scene in a wind storm has got to be 20 times more offensive than Homer Simpson Claus or even one of those awful inflatable carousels that not only inflate, but spin, light up, and play music. It's just wrong to think that I could be driving past your house in a storm when the baby Jesus decides to deflate and detach from the rest of the nativity. Picture it - inflated baby Jesus flies off, lands on my windshield, and I crash into a tree.

It's wrong. It's unholy. If nothing else, it's more hillbilly than Larry the Cable Guy.

All this isn't to say I haven't seen worse decorations, because I have.
At our last apartment, new neighbors moved into the house next-door. We were a little stunned when they uprooted their lawn, paved it, and proceeded to park no less than 10 vehicles on it, but the "shock and awe" phase came when the holiday season rolled around and they put what must have been a 15-foot, faded, plastic Santa Claus on top of a lawn chair on their front porch. That was when we realized we weren't in Kansas anymore. How I wish I'd had a digital camera back then. It would probably be my profile picture on Facebook right now.

If you're feeling lazy, just don't decorate, OK? Inflatable yard thingies may be expensive but they don't say "class" they say... "GIT-R-DOOOOOOONE!" And, no, I don't mean that in a nice way.

So Merry Christmas. Enjoy the holiday season.
I'll be watching you.

I know God is bigger than we could ever imagine, but c'mon...

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