A Long Walk Away, A Short Walk Back

Faith. It's an interesting thing. It's something I have struggled with all my life. I "got saved" when I was 13 but have battled God because of things I've gone through in my life, and things I've seen, and not being able to understand why God allows certain stuff to happen.

For the past 6 months or so, I've been walking away. Maybe it was depression, I don't know. I've just done my own thing and left God in the shadows. I've always felt like I didn't "fit in" with other believers. I have always said I just can't hack it as a Christian. I'm too this and not enough that. I guess at some point in the past year, I decided life would be easier for me if I just... left. It wasn't that I stopped believing in God, I just had myself convinced that I was not good enough of a person to live a Christian life.

Now, I didn't go out and do terrible things. I didn't become a drug addict, I didn't cheat on my spouse, I didn't start playing with Ouija boards, I didn't rob anyone. I suppose my worst crime was just believing the lie that I'm too defective, and that God wasn't big enough to fix my defect. I have always had a hard time putting anything in God's hands, for fear that He would disappoint me.

In some ways, I was right. It was a lot easier not injecting God into everything. It allowed me to be sarcastic and obnoxious, and it allowed me to let my warped sense of humor come out and take over. I was surprised to discover how miserable I was, though. I may have my issues, but ultimately I still have a heart for God. So, I guess you could say, I've come home.

I have questions.
How do you live as a Christian? That's the biggie. I'm not the type to hand out Bible tracts and preach at people. I have no problem talking about Jesus and about my faith, but I don't want to assault people, either. There's a time and a place and a way for everything.

My husband's family has come apart at the seams. Well, actually, it's more like a giant firecracker went off and now there's just little cardboard bits and smoke left behind. I said a number of hateful things and made a number of judgment calls I shouldn't have. They, in turn, have done the same. Got into a huge argument with one of my husband's family members last night that left me with a head full of stuff I can't shake. I apologized, he forgave me, but he never apologized for his own actions. My sinful nature is clawing it's way out. Anyone with a smart mouth has met their match with me. And this reminds me of why I walked away so many months ago - one of the reasons, anyway - because I've met a lot of Christians who just aren't any different than anybody else. I fit myself into that category. I've been no great saint. In this instance, the only clue that anyone believes in God is the way we've hurled Bible verses and theology at each other, not to teach and uplift, but to say "IN YOUR FACE!!" When both sides claim to be holy and the other side is evil... that's a fight nobody is going to win. It's a wonder God doesn't just chuck some lightning bolts at us or something, because He's got to be pissed. When you call Christian family members "evil" that's a pretty good sign... that you've got it in you, too.

We're all evil and defective. If we weren't, Jesus never would have shown up. Deep down, we're screwy. I've got enough anger and cynicism in me for 20 people. I don't like it and I don't want it anymore.

One thing is for sure: you can't become more like someone by walking away from them. So I've walked back. Pin It