Kid People

My first clue that I wasn't a "kid person" should have been in the 10th grade. I signed up for a class called Child Development because it seemed like it would be easy. That was how I picked my classes in high school - they either had to be what I considered mindless, or at least mundane enough that I could sleep through it. Just about every female took Child Development. The teacher who taught the class was a very popular one, and only grew in popularity when it became obvious she was more of a life coach than an instructor. Most days, she stared up at the ceiling, weeping gently, while trying to impart life lessons on her pimple-faced, gum-chewing kids. Don't have sex before you're married. Don't have a baby until you're at least in your early twenties. Don't do drugs. Stay in school. Crack is whack. That sort of thing.

While many kids were fascinated with watching complete strangers give birth on VHS, I was horrified. The miracle of childbirth looked more to me like a massacre and I couldn't understand why everyone teared up. Everyone oohed and aahed the bloody, slimy scalp emerging from Betty Birth Canal's crotch. I opted to draw pictures on my textbooks, instead.

As a woman, I feel like I should adore all children. Like there should be some maternal instinct in me that causes me to look at all kids as cherubs that I feel inclined to hug, play with, or in some way nurture. My heart should skip a beat, tears should well up in my eyes, I should automatically begin ovulating... something.

That, unfortunately, isn't me. After much soul-searching, I have come to recognize that I am not a kid person. I have quite a few nieces and nephews and I love them dearly and geniunely look forward to spending time with them. Apart from my nieces and nephews (OK, and my godchild)... no thanks. I love the ones I'm related to. I can do without the rest. This doesn't mean I hate children; far from it. I just don't have the patience or innocence to deal with kids.

I like babies, toddlers, and teenagers. It should come as no surprise that toddlers and teenagers are the two groups most people can't stand, because both give you back-talk, and both get themselves into things they shouldn't. A 2-year-old, for example, might insist on wearing a plaid skirt and a polka-dot sweater; a 16-year-old might insist on wearing a miniskirt and a tube top. A 2-year-old might get into a can of ant repellent; a 16-year-old might get into your liquor cabinet. In both cases, you are likely to spend a lot of time shrieking, "YOU'RE NOT WEARING THAT OUT IN PUBLIC!" and putting padlocks on cabinets and cupboards.

When I took Child Development, each class ran their own temporary daycare. Where they got the gullible chumps who dropped off their kids, I don't know. We reacted to them as if they were iPods (not that we had them back then), not human beings. We marveled over their pudgy fingers and blond hair and their inability to correctly pronounce words with the letter "r" in them. Each day started off with staffing rolling up their sleeves, getting down on the floor, and playing with the children. That was when I realized I was unable to play. I couldn't relate; I didn't know what to say. I got the ages all wrong. When I stood over a 4-year-old with a rattle and said, "OK, goo-goo ga-ga, kid" and he looked at me as if I were one of Santa's elves with a cigarette dangling from my lips, I gave up and went back to drawing on my textbooks.

I think if I had had kids when I was in my twenties, things would be different. As it is, that never happened, and after 10 years of marriage I am very set in my ways. I get annoyed tripping over cat toys, so how would I fare with a household of kid toys? I get irritated when I'm at the pool and little kids are swimming head-first into me and splashing me. Even my cat understands - when anyone under the age of about 15 comes into our apartment, she runs and hides as far away as possible. We both like quiet, predictability, and sleeping in as late as we want.

People tell me I'd feel different if I had my own kids, and I believe that's true. Generally speaking, however, I can do without children. Well... children between the ages of about 3 and 14, which is quite a span. I worked as a cashier in a grocery store for a year, and I think that's where I got my ages from. Kids between 3 and 14 are the most likely to scream in the ice cream section, beg for Silly Putty, and humiliate their parents in the check-out line. Just my experience.

Cats don't do that. They poop in a box and eat off the floor and when they meow, it's cute. They ALWAYS act like toddlers, are ALWAYS cuddly, and they even catch and devour household vermin. I'd like to see your kindergartner do that!

Maybe someday God will give me my own children, and I can experience for myself all the wide-eyed wonders of parenthood, but until then... no, I can't babysit for you. Pin It