It's My Blog - I'll Cry If I Want To

So, my neighbor informed me this evening that "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" is going to be on TV back-to-back five times this week, and I'm thinking this would be a great time to shut out the world and spend a few days in my jammies. First, because that's my favorite movie of all-time and I don't think I could ever get tired of it. Second, because I'm down & out and just want to shut out the world for a while.

And I could, too, if it weren't for that whole having-a-job thing.

I'm feeling alone tonight. You know how sometimes one thing goes wrong, and all the little things pile on top of it to make it seem like a huge mountain of crap? That's sort of how I'm feeling at the moment. Not that anything "went wrong" but just that they didn't go the way I'd want them to. (Yes, there is a difference.)

First, everybody got pregnant.
Our best friends are expecting in May. My sister-in-law is expecting in March. The other night we were at our best friends' house for a pre-Thanksgiving meal and there was an infant there, so we discussed lots of parenting-related things. Pregnancy, childbirth, rearing, first teeth, that stuff.
Our best friends were our last perpetually child-less couple that we hung out with on a regular basis. We're ecstatic for them, but... it was a reminder that we are still child-less, and from a physical standpoint, that's not going to change anytime soon. And, yeah, we want to adopt. We're seriously thinking/praying about it even as we speak, but I'll never get to tell people I'm pregnant, I'll never feel a baby kick inside of me, I'll never nurse my child or be able to say, "He looks just like his dad."

Unless God changes something, which he may, but right now... it's not happening.

Then our best couple friends announced to us they might be moving far away.
These are people we spend a lot of time with. We've gone through our marriages together - we even got married 2 weeks apart. Scott was the husband's best man.

Today I got an email from my friend of 18 years. We were best friends in middle school, high school, college... We met in the 7th grade and there wasn't anything we didn't go through together. When my mother was unbearable to live with, she talked about giving me the money she saved in a pantyliner box so I could run away. And I guess, because we had been best friends for so long, I assumed we would always BE best friends.

Well, she's getting married in October.
I'm not going to be in her wedding - she hopes there are no hard feelings. It's going to be just her sister and some other chick I've never met in the wedding party.
We haven't seen each other in a few years. She went on to get a great education and make good money working in DC. She went overseas with another of our best friends, time did its thing and I got pushed out of the picture. Not because they're mean, but because I didn't have the money or the time off. I just never had the money to throw down to go to France or wherever. I couldn't hop a plane or even fill up my gas tank half the time, so our visits became fewer and fewer. But she was my maid of honor, and we'd planned on being in each other's weddings from the time we were in training bras, worshiping the ground Amy Grant walked on together.

I'm hurt. It doesn't matter if it's ridiculous and stupid, I'm still hurt. I have this fifth-grade feeling of, "Who's my best friend now?!?" I'm 30 years old. I just have to get over it, I guess.

So I went out on my deck for some fresh air, and I remembered, just three years ago, sitting out there in that exact same spot, talking to my cousin, Jay. He was still talking, still walking a bit. He was HERE. And the air seemed extra cold and the night seemed extra lonely...

...I started thinking that God designed us to need and love each other, and yet it's never permanent. Something will separate all of us, be it time, distance, or death. And yes, I believe in Heaven and I believe that this earth is not our eternal home, but it made me think that investing in relationships is ridiculous. Investment means pain and disappointment - it means missing people desperately that don't desperately miss you back.

So I'm sad, and I know I need to pray and focus on the blessings in my life... but I'm sad and I guess... well, I guess I felt like telling the world about it. Pin It