C'MON, MAN!!

Dear Landlord,
I really like you. You are a great guy. I could not have asked for a better landlord. I mean that, man. My last two landlords were low lives and I was starting to think that all landlords were filthy slumlords before I met you. You gave me hope. You gave me a home. You gave me appliances.

The problem is, see, my dishwasher hasn't worked in 7 or 8 months now. I know you know this because every time I call/see you, I say, "Hey, don't forget my dishwasher!" Then you tell me you'll fix it, but I should probably remind you in case you forget. So I keep reminding you... and reminding you. The last time we spoke, you said "the guy" would be over to fix it "the next time he comes through town." When will that be, exactly? That could be tomorrow, that could be the day after Christmas. I need a little more than that to go on.

It's not like I can't live without a dishwasher. This is the first apartment I ever had that came equipped with one. If the place had been infested with cockroaches, I might have still considered living here based on the presence of a dishwasher alone. I hate doing dishes. It's not my fault, really. I was born with what my brother calls the Smart Laziness Gene. Smart is my maiden name, you see, and I believe it refers more to my family's ability to get out of hard work more than our book smarts. I used to think the Smart Laziness Gene was a joke, until the evidence started to stack up. We don't keep files, we keep piles. We don't search for the best service, we search for the easiest. If there is coffee left in the pot from the day before, I will reheat it and drink it just to get out of trying to separate the paper coffee filters to make a fresh one.

So, you must understand, my dislike of and inability to do dishes is really my parents' fault. Aren't our parents responsible for everything?

I am polluting the earth, but I blame that on you. Why wash a plate when you can buy styrofoam ones for $.79 at Sharp Shopper? I want to be "green", sir, but your unwillingness to fix the dishwasher has turned my husband and I into the planet's worst enemy. You know that glacier that broke off and split in two a week ago? Just think - you could have prevented that by simply telling "the guy" to come fix my dishwasher at a certain time, on a certain date. I pray you find a way to live with your guilt. After all, it's not like you went out there with an ice pic or anything that sinister.

I suppose I should thank you for one thing, though. You are the reason I have an abundant and adorable collection of coffee mugs. I don't normally wash them until I am left with no other choice but to a) drink my coffee directly from the pot, or b) buy a new mug. When I open my cupboard, I am assaulted by falling ceramic mugs, but I am quite fond of my collection, and I really must give you all the credit.

In closing, I hope that you will understand how important this matter is. It is not life or death, but doing copious amounts of dishes prevents me from what I normally do, which is avoiding real work. We can't have that, now, can we? I have been a good tenant. I have helped you rid your complex of unwanted tenants - like the ones who used to get drunk and pee in the parking lot. I have kept you apprised of certain situations - like cigarette butts littering the gardens out front, and the guy to my left shooting at bottles in the middle of the night in the backyard. I ignored the fact that, once a week, your teenage son used to mow the lawn around the tree-sized pot plant growing in the middle of it. I never stole any; I never smoked any; I never gave any to anyone... no matter how many times they asked me to.

Please, sir. Fix the dishwasher. The earth's future rides on your immediate action.

Sincerely,
Julie A. Fidler Pin It