Ho Ho Ho, Ha Ha Ha, and a Couple of OMGs

The other night I saw this awesomely bad house in the town I used to live in. It was so terrible and wonderful all at the same time that I nearly peed my pants. Terrible Christmas decorations excite me to no end. I try to crawl into the minds of the people who do the decorating. I can see that sparkle in their eyes as they inflate their Santa-on-a-Harley; I sense the way they smile when they throw that single strand of 100 twinkle lights over an enormous oak tree with as much accuracy as someone throwing a beer can into a dumpster. But what I saw that night, driving by the Christmas House of Horrors, was the end-all of terrible Christmas decorations. How can I describe it... It was like Kris Kringle threw up and then had an epileptic seizure in the middle of his own yack. Think Trans-Siberian Orchestra...and all of the musicians are on crack. Imagine a large, modern house with a great big front yard with lots of trees and shrubs... and they're all covered with every conceivable colored light in the world. Now add some faux LED light trees. Now make them blink rapidly in all different colors. Now make them... what's the word?... TREMBLE... yes, tremble AND blink. Epileptics beware: if you drive anywhere near this house, you're going to steer the old 4-wheel drive sleigh directly into a tree.

I had it in my head this morning that I was going to pass that house on my way home from running errands tonight. I even wrote myself a note on the dry-erase board on my fridge. I was going to go out there and take a video of it and post it here so that we could all revel in the patheticism... but I forgot my camera. What am I good for, anyway? I kicked myself all the way home because not only did I miss out on the Christmas House of Horrors, I also missed out on a good number of other sad displays of misguided holiday cheer, including the aforementioned Santa-on-a-Harley.

I have major issues with Santa Claus driving a Harley. It doesn't make sense. I may hate seeing an inflatable Santa on the front lawn, or a plastic Santa and his 8 tiny reindeer on the roof, but at least it's traditional. And not only that, but how would Santa REALLY be able to arrive undetected on a Harley? I've never seen a reindeer fly, but I'm pretty sure they're agile, swift, QUIET. If a deer can fly, I'm sure it can land softly. I've never seen a quiet motorcycle.
"Now, Jimmy, if you listen carefully, you can hear Santa off in the distance!
"BBBBRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPRRRRRRNAHNAHNAHBRRRR...

I also came across some beautifully decorated homes and I want to get some pictures of them, too. I saw quite a few that made me smile, made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, and made me hate living in an apartment complex. They deserve as much recognition as poorly decorated houses deserve ridicule. Consider me the Christmas Equal-Opportunity Blogger.

I spent a few hours at the home of a friend who has the most killer house. Seriously, I"m not just fluffing her up. A cozy, well-decorated place with a lovely fireplace, free of neighbors having loud sex, rap music, or potholes the size of the Hoover Damn in the parking lot. I sat there, sipping my coffee, as her kitten tore my right hand to shreds, imagining how I would decorate a house like hers.

A chill rippled through my body as I realized that somewhere out there, at that very moment, someone was sitting in an equally beautiful home, gathering thumbtacks so they could tack a 15-foot plastic Grinch on top of the garage, and then erect life-size wooden carolers on the front porch..What's worse? Then they would stand back, smile, and pat themselves on the back.

What a cold, cruel world. Pin It