Aye Aye Aye!

Gotta write fast - laptop battery is on its death bed.

What a day this has been. I won't go into details because I'm just too tired. But sometimes I feel like Bill Murray in "Groundhog Day." Some things just never change and they get to be so old. I'm annoyed by the same old stuff, grossed out by the same old stuff, furious with the same old stuff. It was one of those days where I was literally CRAVING a cabin in the woods.

Hey, if I run away for the weekend, will anyone out there take me in?? Pin It

Do Your Teeth Ever Feel Like They're Wearing A Wool Sweater?

NOTE TO SELF: Never drink out of Jessica Simpson's cup. Or tongue kiss her. Which I wouldn't, I'm just saying... Pin It

Chaz Bono A Legal Dude

Well. Hafta admit. Chaz looks better as a man than he ever did as a woman.

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Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Wiener

You've got to admit - you can't blame the guy. Pin It

Miley Gets Nekked & Lilith Fair Returns

Sheryl Crow: plenty capable of rocking with her clothes still on.

Imma be real witchu - nothing drives me more crazy than a 75% naked female celebrity who says, "I'm not a role model for little girls."

BULL. CRAP.

Lil' Miley Cyrus ain't your 10-year-old daughter's Hannah Montana anymore. She has traded in her training bra for... kinda scary looking lingerie??... in her new video (I won't post it here) appropriately titled "Can't Be Tamed."

And to think we were all hoping Miley wouldn't NEED to be tamed. Why do we set ourselves up for so much disappointment?

Billy Ray, y'all need to shake that daughter of yours and tell her she doesn't need to be naked to sell albums. She's pretty, has a great voice, and can be plenty sexy without haven't to resort to wearing her birthday suit. Will someone, for once in my lifetime, tell young girls that talent and intelligence are more important than a perfect body and breasts hanging out?? PLEASE? Because you know what's coming next - "I'm not a role model."

Honey, say whatever you need to to justify it to yourself, but you ARE a role model. Not just Hannah Montana, but YOU. And if you didn't want to be a role model, then daddy never should have let you flop on out into the spotlight. Not that you have to be Mother Theresa. We don't need perfection. You don't have to wear a snowsuit and moon boots in your videos, but c'mon. Having to "tame" a teen or tween daughter is every parent's worst nightmare!

From an artistic standpoint, I think it just takes away from the artists' talent. I miss the 90s. The 90s was very focused on "chickrock." Sure, Sheryl Crow (my 2nd favorite musical hero) posed for some sexy pics, but the focus was on her talents. Put Sheryl and Rhianna on the same stage together, and Rhianna will feel like she's on the wrong planet. It was about the songwriting. It was about connecting with the experiences of other women.

Thank God the Lilith Fair is coming back to life this year. I'm a little annoyed that they're hosting Rhianna because I can't stand Rhianna OR her voice. I'm also not into Queen Latifah, who is also on the docket. Can you sing? Play an instrument? Write your own music? If not, DON'T PLAY THE LILITH FAIR. That's just my humble opinion. At least Martina McBride has one helluva voice - chick doesn't even need a microphone! Colbie Caillat will be there, which means all the punk chicks and lesbians will have to suffer through "Bubbly." I'd advise patrons to take a bathroom break at that point, perhaps make a popcorn run.

Know what's awesome? A woman onstage with a guitar, or sitting behind a piano, singing her lungs out to a song SHE wrote.
Know what's pathetic? A woman onstage with next-to-nothing on, rapping a song somebody else wrote.

And you know I'm right. Pin It

It Was A Great Birthday, Until...

What a great birthday I had yesterday. Really, it was wonderful. My husband bought me beautiful pink daisies (my favorite color AND flower), a dear friend got me an Amazon gift card (several David Sedaris books coming my way... and Guitar Hero Smash Hits), and another dear friend hooked me up with 2 Amy Grant tickets. SA-WEET. Not to mention the dozens of birthday wishes I received online. I am blessed to have such incredible friends.

Since it was my birthday, I opted to gorge myself on crap... namely, pizza and cheese fries. Yum! And as if that wasn't good enough, I even got my husband to play Guitar Hero with me (I whooped him).

Yeah, and that's where it started to tank.

I was rawking out when suddenly I had awful chest pain that went into my jaw and my back. I blew it off, it went away. Then it came back, worse. I had experienced the same pain a few days ago and it lasted several hours but I just suffered and moved on with my life. But this time it kinda freaked my husband out, so he got the car keys, I put my sneakers on, and we went to the ER.

Now, the plus side of having chest pains is that they take you right away at the ER. You don't have to sit there like all the other chumps with broken bones and sniffles. As soon as I walked up the front desk and said "I'm having chest pain" they were pretty much on me like flies on cow poop.

I got back to the triage area and I met the doctor for the first time. He came armed to the teeth with unpleasant questions.

DOC: Can you tell me what physical problems you have?

ME: I'm diabetic and I have high blood pressure.

DOC: OK. Do you smoke?

ME: Yes.

DOC: What have your glucose readings been like lately?

ME: Uh... I haven't, um... I haven't really checked them lately.

DOC: How long has it been?

ME: (shrug)

DOC: What did you eat for supper?

ME: Um. Well. Pizza and cheese fries.

By now, I was getting the same kind of look from the doctor that my mother used to give me when I did something completely stupid... like not turning in an excuse at school, when all I had to do was walk up to the desk and hand it to the secretary.

So they proceeded to do an EKG, run blood work, and take x-rays. Everything came back normal, except for my blood sugar, which was quite high. They passed down the declaration that my birthday heart attack was not, in fact, a heart attack, but rather severe acid reflux.

Talk about feeling dumb.

They would not release me until my sugar was under control, so they put insulin in my IV and made me sit there for 2 more hours. My husband slept. I watched Discovery Health, who was hosting "Psych Week." They aired a documentary about Jani Schofield, a 6-year-old girl born with schizophrenia and how her family copes with it. Fascinating as all heck. For a moment, I thought it was almost worth getting the IV shoved in my arm.

And for the record, yes, everyone noticed it was my birthday, from the receptionist in the lobby to the extremely eccentric nurse who got me settled into my bed. I responded to all of them the same way: "I always wanted to be stuck with needles on my birthday."

I finally got to bed around 4am and slept, straight through, until noon. I normally take my bipolar meds around 11, so I have to say... it's 12:30 and I feel like I have the world's worst hangover, minus the alcohol.

I'm just grateful that I didn't have to celebrate my birthday with a triple bypass or something. Pin It

5K's, Birthdays and Life

Tomorrow I will be 31. Not a big deal. I thought 30 would be painful, but it wasn't. It was just another day. I don't consider myself a day over 18.

...Except that most people make New Year's resolutions, whereas I make birthday resolutions. Last year I resolved to have breast reduction, and in July that's just what I did. This year, my plans are bit loftier than being knocked unconscious and snipped away at.

A lot of my friends are doing crazy things these days - like running 5Ks. One of them is planning to sky dive. Both seem a little TOO lofty for me, though, if I had to pick, I'd sky dive because all I have to do is jump, pull a cord, and scream. BUT, that being said, I do want to get in shape this year. I'm not shooting to become marathon material, but I would like to start running. When I had my breast reduction, I was thrilled because I could finally run pain- and embarrassment-free. So far, the only running I have done is in the parking lot, trying to catch my escapee cat before she runs into the street.

I'd like to return to songwriting. This will be more of a challenge, since I haven't really played the guitar in ages. I tried to yesterday. I'm available to jam with you, if you don't mind a guitarist who has sworn off bar chords, and who takes up to 15 seconds to change chords in mid-song. The good news is, I know when I'm off-key (i.e., "WHOA! THAT wasn't a D chord!!")

I'm determined to get another book contract this year. Again, lofty... since I could be writing that book even as we speak, but I'm blogging instead.

I'm going to quit smoking once and for all. (Stop laughing at me.)

I'm going to turn 32 in better shape than I was in when I turned 31... physically, financially, professionally, spiritually. And, with any luck, when I sip my sparking grape juice on New Year's Eve 2010, I won't be resolving to make good on my birthday resolutions from 8 months earlier. Pin It

Nashville Under Water

In the midst of a catastrophic oil spill and an attempted terror attack on New York City, Nashville, TN is under water after a weekend of severe storms. We're not talking about a little flash flooding. They are UNDER WATER.

I went to college in Nashville and absolutely loved it. If I weren't a married woman with a homebody husband, I'd still be living there. (And no one can fault the man for wanting to stay near his roots.) I still miss it. A lot. More than I let on. And it's heartbreaking to see the Grand Ole Opry, the Country Music Hall of Fame and Opryland Hotel so devastated.

Love ya, Nashvegas. I'm watching!


First Ave., downtown Nashville Pin It

No title for this particular post; don't really think one is needed.

It's a sleepless night here. My husband's side of the family is falling apart at the seams and I'm feeling helpless. I'm so exhausted. Damn, I can't even tell you how exhausted I am, but the sleep won't come. I went to bed and popped some headphones on to listen to my MP3 but music didn't help.

I'm having a hard time reaching out to God about it, too. The constant health issues never seem to end; my teenage niece is troubled and no one can figure out how to help her. I know I need to be on my knees, but right now I'm on my back because life has knocked me over. It has been overwhelming for months but tonight it hit me like a brick. I can't separate myself from it - particularly when it comes to my niece. I'd make a terrible therapist, I guess.

I've been begging God a lot lately and it seems like my words dissipate into outer space. I need Him to answer. Pin It

Friends are Friends Forever... Usually

I'm a very loyal person. I'm a loyal friend. It takes a lot - A LOT - for me to walk away or put someone out of my life... especially with no explanation. When I love, I "love hard," so to speak.

So it's hard when someone you have cared about for years disappears with no reasoning behind it. When suddenly, one day, they just stop talking to you, responding to you, and acknowledging that you exist.

We met when I was 18. I had moved home from college and was clueless about my life. This friend and I (won't go into details about how we met or got to know each other) bonded over similar life experiences and the desire to move forward from them. About a year or so ago, I realized this person wasn't taking my calls or answering my emails anymore. So I put out the feelers, one more time, extending a hand in friendship... and got silence.

We've all had a bad relationship, and we've all had people move in and out of our lives for different seasons. I had one friendship tank like the Titanic around the same time I met the friend I'm currently writing about. But at least in that situation, the reasons were obvious. I don't feel like this relationship has tanked. It just evaporated into thin air. I guess you could say I went from the Titanic to the Golden Triangle.

So either I did something wrong that I can't think of, or this person has turned into a snot. I'd almost prefer to think I did something wrong because I don't want to think of this person as being self-absorbed and consumed with fame and money. That's not the person I knew when I was 18 and I hope that's not the person they have become.

But I'll be honest - I'm hurt. I wish my friend well. I don't mean my friend any harm. I don't have any interest in bashing my friend. I want my friend to be happy and successful and at peace (because this person has not always BEEN at peace.)

I was hoping to travel with my friend over the long haul, but I guess the road ends for me here.

Safe travels and smooth sailing ahead, friend. Pin It